February 2012
6 posts
This could work only because I also never shower...
From the profile of a straight male, age 27:
The six things I could never do without:
1. My Ke$ha CD <3 2. CD Player to play my Ke$ha CD One of the best things about Ke$ha’s music is that it’s so unpretentious. It doesn’t aspire to be more than it is. It doesn’t try to obfuscate its lack of substance with overly abstract metaphors. (Lady Gaga - Judas is certainly guilty of this)...
The sideways vagina admittedly makes things a...
Always wonder what being intimate with a beautiful Asian woman would be like. Care to talk?
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+5 for creepy racism.
+2 because I have always wondered what being intimate with a mediocre-looking white guy would be like. Do you really all smell like Saltines?
+6 because what lady doesn’t want to be a white dude’s introduction into the...
I am all of the above, and a professional...
are you a lesbian because it says are you are a feminist. at the very least you must be vegan. :)
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+6 for smiley after a string of insults. Not that “lesbian” or “vegan” are insults, but he definitely means them that way.
+2 for entry-level negging. Even Neil Strauss would be embarrassed.
+4 for asking a woman who is...
Just giving you a heads up that I may be a rapist....
You may get a boxing lesson
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+3 because that’s the entire message.
+6 because this basically means “I am going to punch you,” right? DELETE AND BLOCK.
TOTAL POINTS: 9.
Apparently uppers are Kosher.
My self-summary
I am a paid member on JDATE under the name [redacted] Stop intermarriage between Jews and Gentiles go to the website below . http://www.aish.com/jw/s/48969651.html Love listening to JEWISH MUSIC . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JEWISH MUSIC ? What do I regret doing in last month? That would be joining Jdate . Why because you can’t compete when they refilter profiles and you never...
January 2012
8 posts
Only if you're using a Shakeweight.
Hello there wanna chat and watch me workout my muscles on cam ?
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+5 for any message that includes the term “on cam.”
+3 for any message that includes the term “wanna chat.”
+6 because what lady doesn’t want to spend her day watching a stranger from eHarmony lift weights in front of his webcam?
+4...
And don't even START on The Partridge Family!
The Monkees are a good band, you fat cunt.
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+10 because wow, someone really loves The Monkees!
+4 because The Monkees, really? That’s what we’re going to get so heated over?
+6 for “fat cunt.” No idea why you are still single, when you work out your disagreements so productively.
TOTAL POINTS: 20.
The multiple Xs in "sexxxy" was a nod to Emily...
That adorable smile, those sexxxy eyes head to toe, girl you mezmorize sexxy hips and the most amazing ass a picture perfect image,a girl with class The strands in your eyes, the shape of your lips i sit here and write, every line that you fit. intriguing as you are, as the most beautiful site Every small detail adds beauty, and yours is so bright
...
Mmmm you are chi-mo-esque, so chi-mo-esque, like a...
mmm you are thin, so thin, like a thin boy
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+5 for complimenting her by comparing her to a skinny male.
+6 for complimenting her by comparing her to a skinny UNDERAGE male.
+3 for each time he used the word “thin.”
+2 for “mmmm.” I can just see him licking his gross pedo lips.
+4 because you know when he’s not...
I'll try reverse psychology too: Call me.
Hey! I’m sure you get tons of messages about how pretty you are, and you’re sick of them! So I’m gonna do something different. I’m gonna say you’re NOT pretty. And see if reverse psychology works.
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+3 for at least he’s trying to be creative.
+4 but no, negging is not creative or new.
+2 for at least...
I prefer 61. You're the 6 I'm the 1. (I just lay...
lest get straight to business)) du u like 69???? I can easily make u moan….)
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+2 for punctuation carnage. You are perhaps trying to make smileys out of those close-parens? But uh… you failed. Big time.
+2 for spelling carnage. I can understand how “lest” is a slip of the fingers that spell-check didn’t catch. But...
And I'm pretty sure she'd reply to this by telling...
You’re just like Margaret Thatcher - she had great tits too.
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+3 for classic neg.
+4 for “Margaret Thatcher” and “tits” in the same sentence.
+2 for old-right-wing-lady fetish. Next up: Nancy Reagan.
TOTAL POINTS: 9.
Favorite Book: Memoirs of a Geisha.
Asian beauty, Mmmm… Please dont read to much into my profile. Its on the naughty side, But I am really very nice and very RESPECTFUL. :) I would love a chance to talk and hopefully take you out. Even if its just dinner, and something fun. I am older, but I mainly date 21-30 I really hope we can chat. :) And Please keep an OPEN MIND. Please think about it, I might be older. But I know how to...
December 2011
15 posts
My mother is Sally Jessy Raphael, which is how...
Him: can i cum on those glasses
Her: Holy smokes I think I’ve seen you before on this! Hang on let me get the link
www.annalsofonlinedating.tumblr.com
It’s somewhere on here!
Him: nah u never seen me
Her: http://annalsofonlinedating.tumblr.com/post/9012244500/theres-gotta-be-a-dorothy-parker-quote-for-this
YUP! There you are!
Him: lol u funny
u still didnt answer my question,and the...
You also don't respond when I scream "HEY SWEET...
Most of you bitches don’t respond. Why should I waste my time and energy personalizing each message. Would you rather I reference something from your profile? Let’s see…. You like music! I like music too.
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+7 for beginning a message with “most of you bitches.” SO WEIRD that bitches don’t respond.
+2 for punctuation fail....
Christmas Meat
It’s Christmas Eve, and here on A(n)nals of Online Dating we’re celebrating the virgin birth just how the baby Jesus would want: With wildly inappropriate sexytime messages. There have been a great many of these submitted, and lots of them are (blessedly) short. So here are some of my favorites, all in one neat package, sent by six different internet elves. Merry...
Just a nice single dad looking for some good clean...
Dad here for genuine intimacy, erotic caring, daring sweet hot anal play, cleaned and lubed with 420, & exquisitely patient arousal for us both. Interested in chatting sum?
Always eager to please, it get’s me hot when I hear your lust breath. Might hope you enjoy my profile, thank you
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+4 for “Dad here.” Good opener. Was...
You mean there's more to it than just kimchi?
Hi there! 안녕하세요? I’ve always wanted a Korean friend, let’s go sing karaoke sometime together! You can teach me all about Korean culture
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+10 for “I’ve always wanted a Korean friend.” And hey, you look sort of Asian, so you’ll do.
+6 for karaoke. All Koreans love karaoke, right?
+2 for the copied-and-pasted Korean...
I like sex too, but nudity takes it a little too...
Hi How are you? I would like to get to know you!! I like to fuck!!! I like SEX and I like NUDITY!!! This may seem strange in a way.
I do not have a picture of mysef posted here (nor anywhere for that matter, on the Internet so as to preserve my privacy. Also for my work infringements.
I hope to hear from you.
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+5 for Hey, how are you, we...
Nah, Freud described insanity as "sending someone...
Was it Freud who once described insanity as the state in which the unconscious mind is visible? I saw a girl the other day and here is what I saw: I saw her drunk dad eating gophers and her mom making fat-free wraps, made from fat-free refried beans and fat-free cheese and fat-free tortillas. I could see the years spent before a mirror, the trapeze act of her eyes that ends with the fat...
Cute, "Girl Next Door" Type Looking for the Man...
Cute, “Girl Next Door” Type Looking for the Man Who Has Everything but Time… -Are you an attractive Professional who simply does not have the time for a commited relationship? Do you like the idea of spoiling a clean-cut, attractive, sexy, educated lady? -Are you looking for someone who likes dressing sexy all the time, but can also present well at dinner parties, corporate events and other...
My mom has a brain tumor, got any good cancer...
See anyone get fried lately? Hey did u ever see that movie conviction with hilary swank? you’re like her, but much sexier :)
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+10 because he sent this to a death penalty lawyer, who I’m sure thinks it’s hilarious to picture her clients being killed.
+5 for “you’re just like an Oscar-winning actress in an emotionally...
Well I can armpit-fart The Star-Spangled Banner,...
hello adorable girl , how are you ? you are beautiful . are u looking for a very serious relation ? i have had lots of drama with relations, so looking for a no commitment relation . i am not for one night stands . r u okay with idea of being cuddle buddies and share a few kisses ? would love to admire your lovely face, boobs and armpits . sorry if i am being too forward .
...
Magic is everywhere in this bitch.
What I’m doing with my life: going to nursing school. i love helping people because i feel like ive hurt so many in the past. this is my way of giving back.
I’m really good at: sneaking pills from work/not getting in trouble for it!! (not that i haven’t learned many lessons the hard way in the past haha.)
The first things people usually notice about me: my feet. the skin is rough and the...
Sorry, I have rabies.
Here kitty kitty… ;-)
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+5 for blatant pussy reference.
+2 for winky-face.
+4 for so over-the-top creepy.
+3 because do you think this guy is one of those people who dresses up in a furry suit to get in the mood to hump? I think yes.
TOTAL POINTS: 14.
I've had a particularly hard time finding someone...
If you are not a woman of my race, I’m not sexually attracted to black woman it’s my choice and I don’t have to explain to anyone why I choose this, so all other woman fell free to write me back if your educated and you don’t have a house full of children cause I don’t have any of my own!!
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+6 for putting it right out there with the racism.
...
Who doesn't, idiot?
Do you like to watch movies and snuggle and suck cock?
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+3 for direct.
+4 for romantic, aww, what?
+3 because damn, that kinda sounds like a great Friday night.
TOTAL POINTS: 10.
I didn't want to waste my hard-earned vagina on...
You should message me if: Message me if you are intelligent and can hold chopsticks and are not racist. Also message me if you can understand that a WOMAN’S vagina is like a MAN’S money. Meaning if we are NOT dating and if I do not KNOW who you are, you will have to be able to provide for yourself. I am not going to give a little unless you can give a little. Most women dont want to feel like...
November 2011
15 posts
This same line works with kids, right?
I have kidnapped(dognapped?) your dog…if you date me he will be returned unharmed.
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+4 because I find that men who threaten me are the most dateable.
+3 because the suggestion that the only way I would date you would be if I wanted my dog back really makes me want to respond.
+2 because you can keep the dog. You need a friend.
TOTAL POINTS:...
Oh I'll give you a hit in the box all right.
Kkk just doit! Fine fine. Im lenny, hi. I Enjoyed your profile. Lets find a way to be youtube famous!!$$!! Kkkk your silly n i like that aaalot. Not in some creepy manner-_- im also lookin for some compadres to get out n do things with. Give me a hit in the box if your intrested. Hope to hear from u. Len
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+5 for I can’t...
I would help you, but my friends call me "T-Rex"...
i need help peeling onion i have no arms
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+4 because there is someone out there for everyone.
+5 for onion (singular). You couldn’t think of something more exciting to do with a set of volunteer arms? You couldn’t even bother using proper punctuation when asking for a pretty serious favor?
+3 for HOW ARE YOU TYPING?
TOTAL POINTS:...
So good I'm employing it in my response to this...
shhhh my boy. silent. quiet is good. do you agree?
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+6 for starting out a dating message by shushing him. Everyone loves it when you put your finger in their face and say “shhhhhh!,” right?
+4 for “my boy.” Grown-ass men love that, too.
+3 for “quiet is good.” Sure. But not when the entire purpose of being on...
The 1 inch sounds like something we have in...
Damn, you’re short, 5 foot 1 inches! Really, you’re fit?? C’mon, you’re probably the one with the flat ass! Please people be honest in your profiles…Here’s a hint start work-ing out! There’s a word that starts with ing! LoL!
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+5 for taking the time to message someone just to insult them. I wonder why you are still single?
+2 for...
Way gayer.
did i just turn u straight or did my profile make u gayer?
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I was looking at your profile for the sole purpose of mocking it on the internet. So, +50.
So wanna grab a drink, watch a Mel Gibson film and...
hey; lots of my friends watch prison planet dot com and have also watched a few David duke videos…apparently; it’s ok to hate your own culture but to admire everyone else’s. That’s why multiculturalism has failed in Germany, U.K, France and Holland. Chapters is owned by Heather Reisman and Gerry Swartz…giving them a monopoly on the information we consume.
what do you think?
...
Fine. Every time you rescue a kitten from a...
But men have an obligation to rescue kittens from burning buildings, pay for your drinks, hold the door open for you, keep their hair neat, go to war and many other things. I’m just saying… Society worldwide really does put more obligations on men than women all around. There are few things women have to do… Shaving your legs is one of them.
...
Friends of A(n)nals
Do you like cute animal pictures with your dating carnage? Check out Men Are Insanimals.
You forgot to add, "Me luv u long time."
I tooootally wanted to hit you with a ”hey babez I <3 video games and asians! Luv me nao puhleeze!” but apparently that stuff is unacceptable. and I would try and impress you with some political learnings (should be a real word) but I only pay attention to politics when somebody fucks up in a hilarious way. i.e. congressman Hank Johnson… so like, I’m totally empty handed right now. ...
"Flame of Love" is code for "boner," right?
I thought I was bright and handsome and believe me my mom concour me with that. Now you know that I am Rich with Giant Heart, come hurry so you can lock me up in your heart. I am warning once I fall in love , I granty if I get in return same I will keep the flame of Love forever.
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+4 for using his mom as a character witness. Pretty sure Jeffrey...
I'm concerned that if we did, you'd have trouble...
letds f cvk
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+5 because his username is “suck_me22”
+4 because clearly he knows how to spell the words “suck me.” One can only conclude that he intentionally misspelled “let’s fuck” for aesthetic or style purposes.
+4 for turning “let’s fuck” into three words, and not by changing...
Were the white-girl dreds and the bongo drums the...
one of the prettiest girls that I haveseen on this site. Granted, I have only been looking onhere for an houror two but you look nice. Id even send you a picture but I think youmif=ght be an OWS girl so …oh well. anywaygood luck withall your goals have anice night.
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+3 for starting out with a totally backhanded compliment.
+2 for...
Pretty sure your physical appearance is not the...
Thinkin about deleting my profile off here. Just another thing 2 stress over when i get ignored. I hate being ignored with a passion. And i guess im not good looking enough 2 get replies cause all the girls on here are shallow bitchs
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+4 for sending someone a message wherein you level a bizarre threat that really has no impact on her...
Actually, you appear to be Captain Overuse of...
First off, READ the rules, LEARN the rules, LOVE the rules. Understood? Excellent! ATTENTION: Rules are meant to be broken, those rules ARE NOT these rules. 1. Clingers, crazies, attention whores, gold diggers, fuglies, RN’s, fatties and girls with children need not apply. Don’t consider me shallow, but 1 is company and 2 is a crowd. I’m a catch, not Captain Save your ass. 2. I’m just playing...
October 2011
3 posts
Can I wear Elton John glasses while we do it?
If you fuck me I’d make you Cum so hard you’ll blast off my cock like a rocket.
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+4 because I don’t think that’s how it works…?
+3 because that doesn’t even sound fun.
+2 because why is “cum” capitalized?
+3 because he sends messages like this to total strangers, but his profile also indicates that he thinks...
And my favorite book is "Lolita."
A so-cal Brooklyn transplant who believes in grammar, manners, music, and humor. I’m nice to my mother, always smile at dogs and babies, and am in the process of pleading that statutory rape charge down to a misdemeanor. __________________________________________________________
+6 because all the ladies love a good rape joke, right?
+2 because don’t worry, he’s nice to his mom...
Do you enjoy being kicked in the balls by the...
When I look at you I see very happy, fun loving, sexy, good girl. I love looking through your photos, I only wish there were more. Do you enjoy being obedient to the male figures in your life?
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+5 for normal opening sentence, slightly less normal but still ok second sentence, then BAM: Creep-bomb.
+3 for “I love going through your...
September 2011
17 posts
And my hobbies include inspiring women to back...
My self-summary
I probably don’t come off as nice at first but when you shut up and actually talk with me, not to me, you will find out that I will probably lift you onto a higher pedestal than your parents ever thought possible. But only if you can take it. But mostly music. I am probably more into Star Wars than I really should be but I really do like the movie and all of the cannon ...
Got burned by your last relationship with a Real...
Hey this message is for real ladies and real ladies only. My name is Devan I’m not about them games. I keep it real all day every day. Let me tell you about I don’t smokie. I do drak sometimes. I’ very out going and ver shay. In my spar time I like to GO to mall, to the movies, and hag out with friends and family, I also like to go to church. I’m on to kill time butt at the same time I’m...
So are you free for the KKK rally this weekend?
Your profile sucks. You are those people that feel sorry for slavery it was 150 years ago we didnt have nothing to do with that stop feeling sorry for black people
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+3 because the people I actually feel sorry for? Are the marginally literate.
+4 for messaging me only to inform me that my profile sucks because I have a soul and think...